


The Bella Is a Moron Files

by LovingPipersBoys



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-29
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 05:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingPipersBoys/pseuds/LovingPipersBoys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nice little collection of one shots where Jacob and Edward try to get rid of the ever so annoying Bella. Sadly the girl just doesn't seem to get that the guys are more interested in each other then her! Humor, Jacob/Edward Bella Lovers BEWARE!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bella Is A Moron File One

This was going to be one hell of a night Bella thought to herself as she slipped into a nice little cheerleader outfit that she had picked up at Fredrick's of Hollywood a week ago in anticipation of this night. She had told the boys to show up at exactly 8 o'clock right after her father would be leaving for his second shift down at the police station. She was also certian to tell them to dress up as football players completing the perfect picture of her ultimate fantasy. She couldn't wait! She was about to get nailed by two of the hottest guys in town.

Bella Swan felt like the luckiest girl in the world. She finally had gotten Edward to agree to let her have a threesome with him and Jacob. The funny thing was that it didn't take much convincing on her part. The vampire had lit up like a Christmas tree when she had finally gotten up the courage to ask him and now she was finally going to lose her virginity in both holes (hee).

Bella sighed. She would totally dance around right now if she didn't have two left feet and wasn't prone to accidents.

The girl had to give herself props for using the boys love for her to push them into being friends. She encouraged them to hang out together, go to the movies together since they liked the same genre. Hell she had even gotten them to go camping together.

Oh they were so happy when they came back! Arms linked, smiling at each other, Edward playing in Jacob's hair, whispering secrets into his ear that made him grin from ear to ear. It was so cute. A week after their return they all slept over at the Cullen's house. They even chose to sleep together in the same bed and asked her to sleep downstairs so that they could bond. She even heard them wrestling and having a ball. Edward telling Jacob the basic techniques. She guessed that some moves were done harder, others faster because that's what Edward kept saying to Jacob the whole time until he screamed Jacobs name after he had finally done it right.

Emmett kept her company in the living room along with Alice and Jasper. But for some reason he kept referring to some movies called Brokeback Mountain and Latter Days. I told him that I've never seen them but I've heard good things. He told me that I would be able to see it right then and there in Edward's bedroom but I told him that I didn't want to disturb Edward and Jacobs male bonding time. For some reason Alice and Jasper kept laughing and saying something about dumb oblivious bitches and maybe they should have her for dinner which was odd.

Checking herself in the mirror Bella did a little twirl but had to stop because she got dizzy and fell down face first into hard wood floor. After shaking it off she pulled herself to her feet and regained her composure.

"This is going to be awesome!"

While saying this out loud she noticed a horrible stench.

"What the fuck died in here?" she questioned looking around the room.

It took her only seconds to realize what it was before rushing off to the bathroom and brushing her teeth.

Meanwhile Jacob and Edward were making out at Bella's front door. Edward's back was pressed hard up against the door as Jacob leaned into him, assaulting the vampires mouth with his mouth as one cold hand ran up and down his rock hard abs and another becoming entangled in his long black hair. Jacob felt as if his lungs were on fire but he didn't want to stop. If he was going to have to suffer through touching that girl in the slightest bit he was going to have a serious make out session with his boyfriend first. His annoyance turned to anger when Edward's phone started to ring. Jacob raised an eyebrow at the sound.

It was P!nk's Stupid Girl.

"What, how else would you describe Bella?" he smirked before answering.

"Hey, we're outside" he said quickly before sticking the phone back in his pocket.

"Can't we just leave and tell her that my father wants us for something? I don't think I want to touch the air head. I'm afraid stupidity is catching"

"Come on Jacob. I thought you were in luv with Bella" Edward teased.

"That was before I knew how good your blow jobs were" he said with a wink "The last time I let her try it the bitch scrapped me with her teeth! Thank God I'm not 100% human"

"Wait one fucking minute. She gave you a blow job! What a slut. She said that she loved me"

"Well I was horny and I told her that she could practice on me so that she didn't disappoint you. I tell you this chick will fall for anything"

Both guys laughed as they heard someone open the door.

Bella was standing there in her cheerleading outfit with one hand on her hip trying to look sexy.

Didn't she realize that she had on the shirt inside out?

"Umm Bella" Edward began, Jacob couldn't stop laughing.

"Yes Edward" the girl spoke in a horrible husky voice as she leaned forward to press herself up against him. However she ended up falling forward and slipping off the side of steps and into the bushes.

Jacob was now hysterical and Edward tried to hide his amusement as he helped her up.

"I'm ok" the girl said dragging the guys inside locking the door behind her and bringing them up the stairs and into her bedroom.

"I want you guys to sit down" she said motioning to the bed.

The Vampire and Wolf sat on the bed with their thighs pressed together, arms folded across their chests as they listened to yet another whining diatribe from the mouth of Bella Swan. Neither one of them wanted to be in the same room as the girl but Jacob made Edward promise to suffer through it, not wanting to hurt his friends feelings. He wanted to give the girl something that she really wanted before they broke the news to her. He couldn't believe that she had no idea that the two men had secretly been seeing each other behind her back for three months now. In fact the girl was so oblivious to whole thing that one night after she had fallen asleep during a movie the two men went at each other on the floor right in front of her as she slept. It was pretty sad but yet so much fun at the same time.

"Do you think that moronic Barbie here will ever shut the hell up? She's giving me a major headache" Jacob thought knowing Edward heard him.

"God I hope so" the Vampire mumbled.

What the hell did he ever see in her? The girl was a walking tragedy.

"If not you can always kiss her and tell her how much you love her so she'll stare into your eyes and go a catatonic state for a while"

"Kiss my ass Jake"

"I'd rather fuck it first"

Edward could barely keep it together. The thought of having Jacob inside him made his dick twitch and it didn't help that every time Bella's back was turned as she explained how she didn't want them fighting over her in bed (as if that was going to happen) Jacob either squeezed his thigh or flicked his new tongue ring at him and blew him a kiss.

Damn the wolf was hot but looking at the weird skinny girl in front of him made his dick grow soft. Bella the magic dick softener was now going to be his new name for her.

"OK?" the girl question loudly when she realized that the guys were so mesmerized by her beauty that they weren't paying attention.

"Sure"

"Whatever" came Jacob's response with an eye roll as he stood up.

"Let's get started, shall we"

The Wolf began removing his clothes as Bella stood off to the side of him and Edward sat on the edge of the bed in front of him. Never once did he move his eyes from that of his lover while the female Forest Gump looked on. He took his letterman jacket off slowly and let it fall to the ground. Next he lifted up his shirt slightly just enough to show his abs, tenderly caressing it's hard surface. He knew that he was torturing Edward when he played with his tongue ring before licking his lips, brown eyes resting on the Vampire seductively before completely discarding the garment.

Edward nearly lost his mind. He was hard as a rock from the display and he couldn't wait to have the Native. However just as he was about to walk over to his dominator and rip the rest of his clothes off of his body the dumb bitch walked over to HIS man and kissed him sloppily. Jacob noticed him looking.

"You jealous baby?" he thought with a mocking voice.

He then kissed the girl back all the while trying not to puke. Nothing was worse than kissing someone who not only sucked at it but seemed to have a bad case of halitosis as well.

Edward was pissed and he was sure that Jacob knew it but more importantly he was curious as to how he was able to withstand the smell of her breath. Not being able to take it any more he moved over to them taking the girl by the hair and throwing her onto the bed.

That'll teach the bitch to put her hands on what's mine.

However with the girl's luck she didn't just land on the bed but managed to roll over the side of it.

Both men just looked at each other and shook their heads.

"I told you that I didn't want you guys fighting over me! God Edward you should know that I love you and that this is just about sex with me and Jacob" she yelled fumbling with her hands all over her face like a retard.

What the hell was the matter with her?

At this point he had had it with the brain dead dick softener. Not only was she whiny and annoying but she had crossed the line by touching his Jacob.

"Listen you fucking…" Edward begin before Jacob interrupted him.

"I think me and Edward need to have a little time to talk some things over. I don't want him to think that we have anything serious going on. This is about giving you a wonderful night and nothing more" Jacob said knowing full well that he never wanted to touch her again.

He was also wondering if her mouth could qualify as a toxic waste site.

"Maybe you should go and get us something to eat and when you come back we will try this again. Ok?"

"Oh Jacob you are such a good friend. Thank you. I'll be right back" Bella said skipping out of the room.

Neither of them were surprised when they heard the girl tumbling down the stairs before shouting "I'm alright"

It wasn't as if they cared.

Turning his attention back to Edward Jacob made his way over to the boy that was sitting on the edge of the bed once again.

"I didn't know that my little bloodsucker was so possessive. It's kind of sexy"

"Not funny. Can we just go because I can't watch her grope you again" Edward pouted rethinking his promise to himself not to bit the clumsy girl.

"Don't worry about that right now. Just put that pretty little mouth of yours to work and make me forget all about Bella" the Wolf said placing his hips right in front the now smiling Edward.

The Vampire took his time unzipping and removing his partners pants, gripping the stiff member firmly with his hands before taking him into his mouth loving the taste of it and how it felt in his mouth.

Jacob threw his head back, allowing a moan to escape his lips. It was like music to the older man's ears as he took the tanned flesh further in, relaxing his throat muscles and allowing himself to take in all 9 inches as Jacobs pre cum oozed down his throat. He picked up speed and sucked harder causing the boy to thrust forward while gripping his hair tightly in his hands.

Jacobs breath was becoming ragged as he reveled in the pleasure that the Vampires cold mouth was giving him. Edward was damn good at this and he wasn't complaining but he needed more, he needed to be inside of his bitch. As hard as it was he removed himself from the man's cold grasp before pulling him to his feet and into a rough passionate kiss as one hand fastened around his lover's waist and the other squeezed his nice toned ass.

Within seconds the other man was naked, face down with the animal he loved laying on top of him, biting and sucking on his neck and holding his wrist down tightly. The feel of Jacobs erection at rubbing between his ass cheeks was driving him crazy. He couldn't wait any longer to feel every inch inside of him.

"Fuck me now Jake"

Jacob smiled wickedly at the request.

"Don't you want to wait for your precious Bella?"

"Fuck you, you bastard" he hissed back.

His words earning him a hard slap on the ass from the muscular man behind him.

"Be nice or you won't get what you want"

Off of his words Edward thrust his body upwards, grinding his ass into Jacobs hard on.

Soft whimpers and groans of pleasure erupted from the wolfs mouth.

"That was just dirty" he whispered into the Vampires ear.

"So make me pay for it"

"Don't worry, I will"

Without a single word the two became one, licking, sucking, fucking roughly like the savages they were until they could do nothing else but lay together with Edward's head on Jacobs chest while the wolf slept.

Edward tried not to move when he heard the front door open. He wondered if he should wake up Jake and hurriedly put their clothes back on before Bella made it to the room. But he decided against it. The girl was a moron and would probably come up with some stupid excuse as to the scene before her.

He couldn't help but laugh inwardly when he heard the girl's thoughts as she entered the room.

"Oh man! They must have fought over me and knocked each other out. I can't believe this. Of all the things to happen."

She must have noticed the clothes on the floor as she added.

"Jake must have shifted and tore off Edward's clothes. Oh God why did you curse me with these good looks to make men act this way around me. I'm really going to have to set them straight in the morning. Oh well, it looks like it's going to be me and the vibrator tonight."

Edward looked up to a sleeping Jacob and kissed him on the cheek after Bella had exited the room.

"Poor stupid Bella the magic dick softener."


	2. Bella Is A Moron File 2

Bella is sitting on the love seat in the living room of the Cullen's home. Alice is rolling her eyes, Jasper is staring off into space and Emmett has his hands over his ears. Rosalie is cleaning out her nails with a knife as Bella talks and talks and talks. All of them are now looking forward to their second deaths.

"So that's what I think" she finishes.

"Who gives a shit what you think? You're annoying and your voice makes me want to shove pieces of glass into my fucking ears!" snaps Emmett he's had enough of the air head and wants nothing more then to drain her and fry her skin.

What? He hasn't had pork skins in a long time.

"Now be nice Emmett. We should be happy that she has any thoughts at all in that empty, annoying small brain of hers. Besides we all know that she's retarded."

"Hey Daddy says the magic word is "special" Rose!" replies Bella who sips from her juice box as she bounces her feet up and down.

Everyone just stares at her.

"That is so fucked up"

"Somebody drew from the short end of the gene pool" added Alice.

Earning both she and Rosalie smiles of amusement from the rest.

"I wonder where my Edward is? He knew that I was coming"

"I think he's doing just that right now upstairs in the bedroom with Jacob."

Everyone laughed.

Bella raised an eyebrow and gave a pouted expression before shaking her head.

"I don't get it"

"And from Edward you never will" replied Emmett.

Even though she didn't understand Bella didn't like the jokes being made about her so she went upstairs to see Edward. He would make her feel better.

Bouncing up the stairs (falling twice) she flung open Edwards door and gasped in shock. She saw Edward bend over his desk with Jacob standing behind him. Both were naked.

"Oh my God! I can't believe this" she screamed.

Edward could feel the magic happening. He was growing soft.

Thanks Bella! He thought. Bitch

Jacob froze. Although he thought that the girl was not only a moron but a huge pain in the ass when it came to his relationship she was still his friend. He needed to think of a lie and fast however the feeble minded retard came up with an explanation all her own.

"I can't believe that you guys are still fighting over me! I thought that we were passed this"

"Wait, you had a thought?"

"I know, that's what I said!" Rosalie shouted up to her brother.

Bella rolled her eyes and turned back to her boyfriend and best friend.

"Listen I want you guys to stop this. I want you to talk this out no matter what it takes."

"Even if I wax his Johnson, go search his tunnel, maybe wet his rim for him, whatever it takes?"

Bella didn't know what a Johnson was but everything Jacob said sounded pretty good. She just wondered where the Cullen's kept these tunnels of theirs.

"Yes, whatever it takes! You two will leave this room with big smiles on your faces after completing getting each other off"

Edward and Jacob looked at her as if she had grown two heads.

"I mean getting off of each other's case. Duh. I have to remember what Daddy says." the idiot said as she whacking herself in the head.

"When thinking gets too hard face the wall and think of nothing at all"

She kept repeating this as she walked out the door and falling down the stairs as they heard Carlisle's aggravated yet calm voice from down below.

"Bella if you insist upon fucking up everything in my home with your lack of coordination please at least have the courtesy to keep my wife out of the equation. Now get the hell off of her!"

"Are you sure that you don't want to drain her babe? It would be so much easier" Jacob said leaning over and giving Edward a kiss on the neck.

"Nope, dumb bitch syndrome is a dangerous thing to a vampires. It gives us herpes. "

Jacob laughed.

"Now less talking more fucking."

Half an hour later the boys came downstairs to see everyone sitting in the living room. Esme was glaring at Bella who was twirling gum around her fingers as the others watched a movie.

Jacob sat down the only spot available, a recliner before leaning back in it. After what he just did to his boyfriend he was tired as hell.

See Edward still standing Bella patted the seat next to her on the floor earning a groan from the vampire and a smirk from Jacob.

What's wrong don't want to sit next to your girlfriend? Jacob thought sarcastically.

"Nope" Edward replied out loud before placing himself on Jacobs lap.

Bella gasped in shock.

"Umm Edward you don't have to sit on Jake's lap. You can sit right here by me" she said batting her eyes, getting bubble gym tangled in her lashes causing her to blink extra hard.

"Oh wow, sorry Bella love. I can't. Remember my bad back. If I get down there I'll never get back up"

"But Edward I remember when I walked in on you and Jacob playing naked twister at his place. You were in really hard position then. In fact it was down right impressive"

Emmett, Alice and Jasper erupted in laughter. So much so that Emmett fell off of the couch.

"Yeah well it's gotten worse since then dear"

"Oh, ok. So you guys made up I take it. But I don't get why you're kissing Jake's neck and playing in his hair"

"Old native tradition when it comes to new friendships" Jacob quickly covered as he took a swat at Emmett on the floor next to him.

"You didn't do that to me"

"It's a tradition for male friends only. I can only do it with male friends"

"Apparently" snickered Jasper.

Rosalie just hid her face behind her magazine.

Carlisle just shook his head, holding Esme back from going after the dumb teenager as she managed to get even more gum near her eye lids, sticking all of her lashes together.

The girl instantly started wincing in pain.

"Ouch I think I got my gum stuck in my hair and my eye lashes are stuck together. I'm afraid of the dark! Carlisle help!"

"Fuck you bitch. Cut it out yourself"

"But I can't see. I don't know what's going on"

"That's the understatement of the year" replied Alice.

Edward couldn't help but look down at the stupid girl and shake his head.

Poor Bella the magic dick softener.


	3. The Cliff Dive

The Cullen's and the pack were hanging out on the beach in La Push for a celebration. Jacob and Edward were engaged to be married so the two clans were throwing them a party. They laughed and talked as the family began catching the pack members up on the events thus far.

Needless to say that their laughter could be heard from miles away.

"She has got to be the most clueless person on the face of the planet. How is she not noticing all of the man boy action going on? I mean she walked in and you were balls deep in Edwards pasty dead ass. What the fuck did she think was going on?" questioned Paul with a grin.

This earned him a look of death from Edward.

"What? Dude you're like 107 years old and dead. You're a serious pedophile with a thing for bestiality. Not to mention the fact that you're getting Jake into Necrophilia."

"Fuck you Paul. Don't listen to them babe they're just jealous." Jacob said kissing Edward on the cheek.

Leah slapped Paul on the back of the head but somehow she couldn't hide her laughter.

"Hey Jake, Necrophilia…when you feel the need to cracking open a cold one!"

Everyone was laughing, even Carlisle. Well everyone except Edward.

"Not funny Embry! Stop being an asshole." Sam spoke before returning to his beer.

"Forgive my brother. He lost his sense of humor and the ability to show any other emotion besides emo ages ago. I thought that joke was fucking great," replied Emmett from spot next to Rosalie.

At that moment Quil, who had been looking down Rosalie's shirt suddenly felt himself loosing his erection.

Why the hell does it feel like someone just poured fabric softener on my dick?

This thought alerted Edward to a certain presence before the dim wit could even speak.

"Hey guys! I'm here!"

Everyone gasped in shock as they looked up to see the girl dressed like a bride. However most brides did not wear knee and elbow pads. In her hand was a piece of paper.

"Shit" groaned Edward.

It was the softener.

Rosalie growled, Esme snarled, Carlisle rolled his eyes and kept a hand on his wife while Paul laughed as did Leah and Seth. Sam and Billy looked indifferent leaving only Jacob to smile in the poor girls direction.

"What the fuck does she have on? I tell ya Edward, you really know how to pick'em." Joked Emmett.

"It's my wedding dress duh. It says right here on the invitation that a engagement party going on tonight for Edward and Jacob. I can't believe that they put his name here instead of mine. Oh well, mistakes happen."

Edward could not believe that someone had slipped her an invite.

It could only have been one person and he was now hiding himself behind his blond mate.

Damn Emmett to hell Edward thought to himself as he turned back to Bella.

"Ok this has been going on for far too long. Bella, Jacob and I have been seeing each other for months now and we are the ones getting married. Besides your snatch always smells like rotting garbage, you're clumsy as hell and your IQ is -150. I can't deal with you any more and my love for Jacob's cock has made you irrelevant. I'm sorry if that hurts but it's the truth. "

He paused waiting for her to respond.

"Oh Edward you are just too funny. I'm so happy that we're getting married."

"Are you on drugs? Did you not hear what he just said? If not I could always pound your head into a tree until you get it." Questioned Rosalie.

Bella took a moment to consider Rosalie's words.

"Um no thanks Rose. I've tried that before and I remember that it would only hurt."

Off her words Charlie walked out of the clearing sporting a beer hat and in his hands he held a bong, a bag of weed and two cases of beer.

"Who's ready to get the party started?" He shouted.

When no one said anything he followed their eyes and groaned when he saw his daughter.

"Ah shit man! Who invited the softener?"

"You call her that too?" Questioned Edward with a smile.

Charlie returned the guesture. He knew he liked that Cullen boy.

"Daddy Edward and Jacob are so funny. They said that they're the ones getting married. How funny is that?"

"Umm honey. It's not a joke. Your boyfriend is a pillow biter who enjoys swallowing Jacob's sword and your best friend likes to play with Edward's tight end so…yeah...it's true. They have been getting it on for a while and I can't believe that you never noticed it but then again you are my…special girl. Anyway how can you blame them? I mean they're both pretty hot. Especially Jacob." He said winking at the boy and blowing him a kiss.

Jacob eyes widened in horror as Edward shot Charlie a look of warning.

Emmett, Paul and Embry were leaning on each other and laughing hysterically. Sam looked as if he were about to throw up, Billy hid his face in his hands, wondering how his friend could be the father of such an idiot and Leah, was dreaming about watching the two guys getting it on, her underwear growing more and more damp by the second.

"No, no, it can't be true! I need you Edward. I can't live without you and I swear to God if you leave me for Jacob, I'll throw myself off of the cliff! And I'll die this time" Screamed Bella.

"Is that a promise?" Asked Rosalie with a smile.

"Yes Rose. It's a promise."

"Yes!" Squealed Alice, giving Esme a high-five.

Jacob threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes.

"Bella please stop being so fucking dramatic. You will be fine without Edward. You'll trick a stupid boy into marrying you and the two of you will have moronic children and live happily ever after in your trailer park."

Jacob was growing tired of the girl's whining and unhealthy attachment to his fiancé. Now that the truth was out he just wanted to move forward and enjoy his life with Edward.

"No I won't Jake! I want Edward! He's mine, not yours! He loves me not you and to prove this I'm going to go jump off of that cliff and you'll have to watch Edward rescue me!"

"Here we go again." Mumbled Charlie.

God his daughter was so annoying.

"Please don't do this Bella." Pleaded Jacob. Even though he knew that nothing was going to stop the girl and that his life was going to be awesome once she was out of the picture, he still would rather not watch her die.

Why couldn't she just go off somewhere and do it quietly.

"Oh just let the dumb bitch jump. I'm ready to get fucked up and pass out in Leah's boobs. Charlie my man, it's bong time!" Roared Paul as sprang to his feet and grabbed the bong from Charlie's hand.

"It's been so long since I've done this. I'm not sure if I remember how but I'm damn sure going to give it a try." Said Carlisle as he sat down between Paul and Quil with Jasper quickly approaching.

"Ok guys I've got the shot glasses and some vodka! Who's with me?" Questioned Leah as Alice, Emmett, Rose, Esme and Jacob raised their hands.

"This is going to be one hell of a night. And if she jumps I get her iPod, her cell phone and her computer." Laughed Seth as he watched Bella stand at the edge of the cliff.

"HELLO! I'm about to jump people. Doesn't anyone give a shit that I'm about to throw myself into rough waters below?" She questioned holding her hand to her head, giving her best damsel in distress act.

When no one paid her any attention, she screamed louder.

"I'm jumping now! I just know that I'm going to die. Will anyone care enough to save me from certain death?"

Everyone turned to watch Bella take a swan dive when Edward disappeared from sight only to appear once again at Bella's side.

"Edward? What the fuck?" Questioned Jake as he stood and folded his arms across his chest.

This mother fucker could not be serious.

"Really Edward? Really?" Asked Jacob as he grabbed his dick. "You would chose that over all of this? Haven't you seen me naked? Are you blind? I knew I should have fucked with Paul instead."

"There's still time you know. I would do things to you that your little leech would be ashamed to even imagin." Smiled Paul.

"Touch what's mine and die mutt!" Shouted Edward. "I only came up here to give Bella a hand. You know speed up the process."

"Edward what do you…" Bella didn't get the chance to finish her question as Edward tossed her over the side of the cliff.

"Deuces bitch! That was for you Jake baby!" He said waving at Bella as she plunged into the freezing cold waters.

There were cheers being shouted from below as Edward returned to the beach, giving Paul the finger and shoving his tongue down Jacob's throat who in turned gave the vampires ass a squeeze.

"Finally no more Bella! We're free, we're free. Erections for everybody!" Shouted Charlie.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Bella's body would later show up somewhere along the pacific coast where wildlife would chomp away until there was nothing left. Sadly the same wildlife died only two days later. Let this be a lesson to all. Fabric softener is not for human or animal consumption.

The End.


End file.
